breathe, dip into the water and go under it all and hold yourself alone

Thursday, January 20, 2011

fuck sadness

"I'm going to need a lot of metal music, weed, and smooches today," I say, giving him the recipe to cheer me the fuck up.

"I can take care of the smooches right now," he offers all sweetly, leaning in and puckering his lips.

And his kiss actually does manage to lift my spirits a bit.

But then later I'm petting the dogs and I look up at Yolanda there standing on the porch smoking her cigarette and she tells me, "You look sad," and then Evelyn frickin agrees with her and they both ask and ask me what is wrong. I tell them I can't talk about it, that I just want to be happy, and anyway, if I had my life together a little better I doubt I'd be in such a fucking impossibly low mood anyhow. So Yolanda tells me if it's about Bobby I should forget him and move on, and Evelyn adds to it and says I've given him too much of an extended chance, but I phoo them off. Later Evelyn mentions nonchalantly that if I'm really concerned about getting my life together, I ought to write myself a six-month plan.

So I ask Valerie and Vanessa to help me think up all the goals and ambitions I could possibly work on in the next six months, and also to give me motivational quotes and phrases. My favorite quote that we came up with is, "What would Evelyn do?" Also, Valerie gave me some phrase from the Jimmy Neutron show: "BRAINBLAST!!!!!" And some of her own originals, like:

"Don't be a dumphat, do your work."

"Do your best, don't make me come and get you."

And the oh so charming, "If you do your best, tomorrow you will be everyone's fascination."

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"Are you becoming what you always hated?" --- Charles Bukowski