breathe, dip into the water and go under it all and hold yourself alone

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

too late

I should have held her close and refused to let her wake up alone. I should have listened when she said she felt alone, listened with my heart, and instead of feeding her bullshit words. I should have shown her the truth by just. fucking. holding her. all night. while she cried in pain as her body gave out. She woke up from the most miserable night of her life to find me gone. All her fears and doubts confirmed. God forbid I let her ruin my birthday with the burden of her illness.

It wasn't me. It was a defeated, hallow, cold Desiree I have never, ever known before. 

And I kept running. Even when the world was spinning and suddenly in the wake of her death all things became trivial and every shadow was an omen and a reminder at the same time. Even then, I wouldn't. just. face it. I ran. God forbid I have a sad birthday. God forbid I let her ruin my fucking day, right? 



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"Are you becoming what you always hated?" --- Charles Bukowski